Losing the Loser: Obvious Signs It’s Time to Get Out

    Losing the Loser
    “Empty birdcage…” (C) adventtr.

    It began with the look, the blushing, and the butterflies. Then came the soft touches, the passionate kisses, and the declaration of love. You moved in together. Maybe you started thinking this might just be it. This man — the one who completely mesmerized every ounce of your being — might just be the one.

    Sadly, time has passed, and he’s started treating you differently. The looks, soft touches, and passionate kisses are nonexistent. He still wants you around, but only on his terms. Your happiness is gone, but you continue to stay; and you stay because you love him. Maybe you think this is the way all relationships are — they all end up like this eventually. I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re wrong. You’re so wrong, you’re swimming in a cesspool of wrongness.

    You can’t go anywhere without him.

    In the beginning, this is the cutest thing ever. You’re inseparable. Everywhere you go, you’re holding hands, kissing, and giggling. You make people sick with your cuteness. As the relationship progresses, though, things go from cute and sweet to obsessive and controlling. You want to visit your parents? He has to go too — every time. You want to go out with your besties? Guess who’s coming along and not taking his eyes off of you for a second. Need a loaf of bread from the grocery store? Guess who’s driving. You are attached at the hip — and every other part he can keep you from claiming as your own. You still think it’s cute?

    How about when he goes out alone? No, you’re not allowed to go with him. He’s going to visit his great aunt Lulu in the nursing home, and only family members are allowed. He leaves you at home and takes all the keys to every vehicle in hopes of stranding you. If he’s a professional loser, he even has friends keeping an eye on you while he’s away — friends you’ve never met. You make one move, and he calls or texts. You really think there’s an aunt Lulu? Maybe there is, but I’m telling you — that’s not who he went to visit.

    This scenario places you about knee-deep in a pond full of floating crap. Gross, right? This is what I call the warmup. It’s where he tests the waters to see just how much you let him get away with. He’s not acting this way because he cares. It’s not cute; and if you don’t leave now, you’ll soon discover what I mean.

    He isolates you from your friends and family.

    This one can be tough to deal with. It involves a lot of mind games on his part, and it can really mess you up mentally. He’ll start with those who are closest to you because those bonds are the toughest to break. If he can take care of the most difficult first, all others will be a cakewalk.

    Let’s say your mom is first on the list. I’m sorry to say this, but your insignificant other can’t wait to give her the axe. If he can defeat Mom — the queen of all living beings — he believes he’s won before he’s even started. You want to visit your parents? He’s tired of visiting so often. You think you’ll go visit on your own? Wrong! Please refer to the first obvious sign. If he doesn’t want to go, you’re not going either. The visits to Mom become fewer and fewer until you suddenly realize it’s been months since you’ve seen her. She’s stopped calling and texting you? It’s because she recognizes what you’ve gotten yourself into, and she knows the only thing she can do is wait and pray.

    Once Mom is out of the picture, he continues down the ladder until he’s eliminated everyone he’s threatened by. The idea is for you to be completely reliant on him. He wants to be the most important person to you. He wants you to believe that he is the only person in the world who cares about you, and everyone else has abandoned you. He gets high on being number one; and if you give him an ounce of control over any aspect of your life, he’ll want a gallon more.

    Remember that pond? Now, I’d say you’re about waist-deep — if you have a high waist. Getting out of this one requires a lot of thought. Start by thinking about what kind of person you are. What kind of person did you used to be? If your best friend was in a relationship like this, would you be worried? Is your mom the type of person to cut off communication with you? Then, look at the pile of garbage you think you’re in love with. How much did you really know about him when you met? How much do you really know now?

    He hits you.

    Okay, this should be a given. Someone who loves you the way you deserve will never hit you. You might be saying to yourself, “Yeah, I know this already. I would never be with someone who hits me.” If so, that’s awesome. I hope that’s true, and I hope things never get to that point for you. Some people get hit, though. Some people get hit a lot. This typically happens when the first two signs are ignored, and the person continues to stay. Maybe this is you. Maybe you think this type of relationship is normal — that you deserve to be hit because you didn’t follow orders, wore the wrong outfit, said something wrong, or blinked too many times. You’re wrong.

    I always said I would never let anyone hit me, until someone did. I always said I would never think it was my fault, until I did. To this day, I still think I deserved the first one because I hit him first. I also think he had it coming, but that’s off topic. The point is, once the trash gains a little control, it takes over completely. If you let him smother you, he will. There have to be boundaries. If you let him isolate you from your loved ones, of course, he will. Again, boundaries.

    Once you realize you’re in too deep, and you try to fight back, he’ll tear you down. He’ll continue to tear you down until he wins, or until you break free. Why? He has to be the one in charge. Why would you let him? You think you love him. Why? He’s always there. Where is everyone else? They turned their backs on you. How did that happen? You see where I’m going with this. This person is the spawn of something evil. It’s more than just abuse. It’s a premeditated, hostile takeover. It was planned from the first time you batted eyes at each other. Why? He’s a loser.

    In this scenario, you’re now drowning in the crap pond. It’s over your head, you can’t touch the bottom, and you can’t swim. Now what? It’s time to rekindle those relationships you lost. The people who were closest to you love you, and they want you to be safe and happy. Ask for help. They will be there for you.

    Final Thoughts

    It’s the easiest thing in the world for me to sit here and type out what you need to do; but believe me, I’ve been there. I honestly thought things would get better. I was going to be that one special person who would change his life. When you think that way, it makes the signs not so obvious. I was lured in, isolated, and abused. I felt stuck, like I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to; and I loved the idiot. I’m also stubborn, and I knew I would never let him win. I stood up to him again and again, until he finally realized he would never break me. One day, he just gave up. It was over, and I left without any argument from him. I was lucky. I hope with everything I am that you can be so lucky.

    How do you know when it’s time to get out? Be sure to let me know in the comments.

    Candidly yours,


    Copyright © 2021-2024 Irene Bratton

    Plain-language Required Disclaimer:

    I am not a medical or legal professional. The information in this article is based solely on personal experience and my honest opinion. This article should not be considered either medical or legal advice, and may or may not be appropriate for your specific situation, the details of which are totally unknown to me.

    Accordingly, I cannot take responsibility for any adverse event which might occur if you choose to follow the advice given, in whole or in part, which you do at your own risk. Consider it “food for thought” rather than expert guidance.

    Please seek a qualified medical or legal practitioner for a professional assessment of your exact circumstances if your health, safety, and/or some other important aspect of your life is involved.

    Back to Blog


    Leave a Reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *